When Sammy Hagar speaks, people get hurt…

14 07 2008

Special Investigations Staff at Bobballs are in a hotel in Oakland. A huge map of North America hangs from the wall. Everyone’s staring up at the map. Except this isn’t an Ordnance Survey convention. This map has a big, fat circle planted right across the middle of it. It circles a town called Brantford. And there’s some writing beside it. Three words… David Lee Roth.

Anyone who’s seen ‘The Eagle Has Landed’ knows what’s coming next. That’s right, three words, one abbreviation… the ol’ switcherooni.

‘CHOKES SUCKING OWN NUTS’
Here’s the jigsaw pieces. Shadowy Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony. The launch of a new Supergroup. An attempted assassination on a Dave Lee Roth decoy in Brantford. And Eddie ‘Von’ Halen’s mysterious disappearing act (NB. see unsourced WORLD EXCLUSIVE on Nazi past as below). Now put it together.

First thing Staff at Bobballs knew about it was when we plugged into undercover.com and learned that DLR nearly died after he choked on his own nuts. Inevitable? I don’t think so.

Staff at Bobballs know DLR. Sure, you may know him as a flexible, good looking boy with an eye for the ladeez (left). But Special Investigations Staff at Bobballs know DLR as a surgical orderly, kung fu expert, trained paramedic, author and licensed helicopter pilot. No way would DLR allow himself to asphyxiate on his own nuts. He’s got training. But could this master showman fake it?

OAKLAND – NO FLASHY CLOTHING!
A report from Digital Spy confirmed our suspicions. The constable who pulled ‘Roth’ over said:

“The guy stuck out like a sore thumb. He was wearing a little silk scarf and flashy clothing – it’s not something you see in Oakland too often.”

Sure, Roth is a mouth with a rock band attached to it. But that was a long time ago. As the Master Blaster told his official site, davidleeroth.com:

“I’ve been places with my face you wouldn’t go to with a pistol.”

Quite so. No way would DLR allow himself to get picked off by State fuzz. This ‘Roth’ wanted to be seen. He was just too conspicuous.

Why did this ‘Roth’ need to be seen? Remember the Fake Churchill from ‘The Eagle has Landed’? That’s right, oldest trick in the book. And DLR played it to the max. Awesome. So who would poison one of DLR’s decoys?

Ask Michael Anthony. The shadowy bassist is launching a Supergroup with Sammy Hagar. Said a tired and emotional Hagar:

“We’ve written eight, nine songs…When people hear the music, it’s LED ZEPPELIN. It’s as good as that. I know that’s a mighty bold statement…We could rival ZEP.”

With Hagar talking bollocks like that the fix had to be on.

DANGEROUS BOLLOCKS: Hagar

The all-but-anonymous Anthony saw what happened when DLR and Steve Vai hooked up in the 80s. That’s right, two nouns hyphenated to act adjectivally, plus a third word … star-spangled bubkiss. Michael would do anything to avoid that.

HAGAR – SO SIMPLE

With Hagar comparing himself to Robert Plante, Anthony went for the only solution he could. Wack Dave, release a Van Halen greatest hits (again), coin it in and with all that goodwill out there launch the supergroup. Then no one will listen to anything Hagar says. It’s so simple. That’s right, eight words, Raymond Chandler-style vocabulary… time to issue DLR with the hard goodbye.

And that’s what almost got reported at Oakland.

Diamond Dave couldn’t help bragging about his decoy masterstroke to the LA Times:

“I was in Canada only from July 1st through the 4th for a performance at the Quebec City Summer Festival. I had no encounters or incidents with the police. The only thing I’m allergic to is criticism.”

His head was swelling enormously just after the release of Your Filthy Little Mouth. I definitely put that down to the criticism allergy.
COMFORTABLE WITH CARTOON CHARACTERS: ROTH
How long can Dave keep Michael Anthony at bay? Anyone who’s seen ‘The Sopranos’ knows it as a technicolour mash up of gorilla-sized sub-Pacino grotesqueries in collision with the less believable Hanna & Barbara cartoon characters. In Episode 56, DLR appeared. And he played himself. That’s why Staff at Bobballs are backing the Master Blaster on this one. He’s just too darn big.

What will Michael Anthony do next? Why was the Van Halen tour mysteriously cancelled? Anything to do with our unsourced WORLD EXCLUSIVE on ‘Von’ Halen’s Nazis past?

Four words, one contraction… we just don’t know. All we know is that when Sammy Hagar spouts bollocks, people get hurt.

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