Either Google’s busted, or the world is more interesting than I dared hope

27 07 2009
Google: Busted... hateful

Google: Busted... hateful

TOTALBALLS

This is a blog about politics and media etc in Northern Ireland.

So, wanna have a guess what the top-rated search string was for people clicking on to this site?

‘Northern Ireland’?

Uh-uh.

Politics?

Uh-uh.

Media? (I mean, c’mon!!)

Uh-uh.

Yip, that’s right… the top rated search string for people clicking onto this blog was:

Sexy Back!

Well, of course it was Sexy Back. The phrase Sexy Back guided people to this blog on 221 occasions. If any phrase defines this blog or me as a person, it must be the title of ol’ Justy Trousersnake’s greatest hit (I know, I just angered the Oxymoron gods. I’ll placate them later). Christ. How?

Then ‘Northern Ireland’ must be No2… nope, that was ‘Shrek donkey’ (59 times).

Then ‘Northern Ireland’ must be No3… nope, that was ‘Donkey Shrek’ (47 times).

Then ‘Northern Ireland’ must be No4… oh no, you guessed it, yip, that was ‘donkey from shrek’ (37 times).

And so on…

I mean how could ‘neck kissing tips’ bring people to this blog? How? Seriously! And why are there four people in the world currently running search strings for tips on kissing the neck? C’mon guys, too much research. All you need to know is there are two schools of sex advice.

  1. School of Thought No1: ‘Let a woman be woman and a man be a man.’ (And that came from the world’s featherweight champion of sex dwarves. When it comes to the nasty Prince is King, so to speak.)
  2. School of Thought No2: ‘Straight in no kissing.’ (That came from uncle Gerald. And that’s all I have to say about that.)

So guys, pick the first school of thought, or the second. But do not seek neck kissing advice from Bobballs, no good can come of it. (I suspect that two of you also used the search string ‘straight kissing’. Why is that different from gay kissing? Are you worried that if you screw up the straight kiss people will naturally assume you’re up for a sneaky gay kiss? If you’re that worried, be like Gerald and stop worrying. Now skat, don’t come back here again…)

And don’t even get me started on the 19 people who were directed here for information on ‘foreplay tips’.

And, you at the back, why did you use the term ‘Hugo Chavez gay’? WTF were you looking for? And how come there’s another person in the world who is also searching for the latest gay update on Hugo Chavez? There are two people in the world looking for the same thing and they came to my blog to find it. Ever seen the movie ‘Sliding Doors’? Guys, I wish I had your home addresses because you should be together. I want to make that introduction and get you two together because it is meant to be. I’m sad that I can’t do this – but I wish you both well and trust in Fate to bring you together.

However, I draw strength from the 37 people who came here to learn more about the Fidel ‘Fiddle’ Castro impersonator and Greek-born CIA stooge Alexis Papagos. The truth is out there my friends.

So, in conclusion, how many times were the terms ‘Northern Ireland’; ‘politics’; and ‘media’ used? How many? Mmmmm… Louder please? Erm…. Just missed that? Ehh… Wha?

NONE.

Oh.

One should never go against one’s readers, so I’m intending to reposition this blog as a Pandora’s box of information on sex tips for the neck and on Trousersnake’s musical oeuvre. Okay, these are two things in this life that I presently know next to nothing about but what the heck… Let’s do this!

PS. Actually, I’m sticking to the stuff I like. The rest of you dirty feckers can just find someone else to annoy. H’way aff! Shoo!

PPS. And Francess Burscough… I caught you googling yourself! Shh, don’t worry, that’s just between you, me and anyone with a passing interest in Shrek.

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10 responses

31 07 2009
Shuffling Geisha

I must point out though Bob, you do seem to have an unhealthy obsession with Mr Timberlake and Sexy Back on Bobballs, Facebook, Twitter.

In the inimitable words of Tyra Banks, oh no you didn’t!

1 08 2009
bobballs

*spits tea at monitor* Erm… no I don’t. Do I? Have I been lifestreaming Trousersnake?

Then maybe it’s time balance up Bobballs a bit. Time to totty-up!

14 11 2009
kati

i love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomuch!:D :-X

15 11 2009
bobballs

And I love anyone who spells ‘so’ with 31 ‘o’s. High fives Kati!

19 12 2009
lulu

me to u r a copy cat!!!!!!!!

19 12 2009
lulu

u should get bck together plz just one more song i will b bck

19 12 2009
lulu

i luv u guys plz get bck together plz plz plz any way you r fit james bourne and mat

19 12 2009
lulu

i luv ur songs like thats wat i go 2 school 4 and who’s david she wants 2 b me and that all off ur songs i like just plz get bck 2gether i am begging u if u r on here now just 2 let u know that i am going 2 america on a trip and i am gonna make sure you get bck as a band 2gether ok if you r on here get it quick and reply bck

luv u charlie simpson james bourne and last but no least mat from lulu

19 12 2009
lulu

they need to get 2gether to busted again u haft 2 admit that they r fit i luv james bournes beautiful blue eyes theynr luvly

20 12 2009
miley cyrus

i luv u guys y cant u ge bck 2gether again just do 1 more song plz well james bourne i have a big crush on u plz just do 1more song 4 us we luv u guys and any way james ur fit

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