Mammarial wobbling gives local organ a mighty column!

14 11 2009

Massive column: Robert McNeil

I once said that The Belfast Tottygraph makes Hustler look as tame as a well-thumped Chihuahua (Balls! passim). And so it continues!

The Tottygraph has a thrusting new columnist. So welcome on board Robert McNeil!

Robert has some preoccupations which, er, make him a perfect columnist for the Tottygraph! First up, in praise of some Morrissey lyrics and, well, take it away Robert…

“I was looking for a job/and then I found a job/and heaven knows I’m miserable now”; “I have just discovered — some girls are bigger than others”. These are excellent, the former explaining the unhappiness caused by employment, the latter conjuring up pleasing images of mammarial wobbling.

Mammarial wobbling? In a family newspaper? Shome mishtake shurely. (For pleasing images of mammarial wobbling, why not check out Bobballs’s fav past issue of the Tottygraph here.)

But it doesn’t stop there chaps. First there was mammarial wobbling, then this:

My own favourite pop lyric is from the traditional standard, Barnacle Bill the Sailor. My researchers tell me that, as with much pop, the lyrics cloak references to rudeness, though I cannot see it myself. Here’s a sample: “It’s me and my crew and we’ve come for a screw!” I’ve always taken this to mean they were doing repairs to their ship, perhaps some DIY to the mainbrace.

Erm.. okay. Sailors looking for a screw. Anything else?

Yip:

I also saw Monica Lewinsky in the fleshiness. She was doing a book-signing in Waterstone’s, in Edinburgh. As the hack pack were pressed back and she got into a lift, I whispered something to a colleague that I wished I’d had the courage to say out loud. It involved a question about the direction of the lift. Work it out for yourself.

So to recap: mammarial wobbling; Barnacle Bill looking for a screw; a fleshy Lewinsky going down.

All right Robert, so you’re a scribe with plenty of lead in your pencil. We get it. Now, how about a staff job on The Hustler? Or a cold shower?

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